Mindless

I am so confused. Don't know which way to turn. Am I supposed to be instinctual or being older and mature? But the thing being is that I don't like being mature, not that I have anything aagainst people growning up all matured and experienced. Its just that being mature I feel like is the final stage for everything. People die the moment they say they have finally grown up. They stop leaarning. They stop looking aat the world with wonder. They stop having fun. They stop everything. I am sure maany people would disagree. I am just saying what I have been saying. Anyway so not the point.
So what should I do? Its not like choosing to be instinctual or experienced. Its more of the question which one is right. Of course nothing is really right or wrong . They are just conventions of the society to put some kind of order.
But what is right for my soul? What will give my soul the right feeding? Take for example: erm.. between anger, resentment, revenge and forgiveness. Of course its very eaasy to say forgiveness. But why? Because the holy path says so? I am trying a different path actuaally. A more logical onee. Why not let the soul dissipate all the energy cumulating by the suppressed feelings i.e. why not let it vent? Why must we be at the loser end and why not give the other person what they deserve?
On the other hand do you think the soul grows stronger as we forgive, be good and all ? Do you think curbing in the instincts that may be harmful is better in the end? Because, let's face it : suppose we think about causing any verbal or physical harm to the person, you may or may not be successful at your endeavour. But during that process you burn your own inside out. Unless you are very careful aand meticulated person without feelings. Then you will be successful with not back slap. But we are talking about me here and I honestly can't spend much time like that. I have much to learn!
But you know what I do spend time thinking like that. I do wish to hurt the person. If I had few more money and aa colder heart, I would sit back and take a cold, spicy revenge. I won't kill them of course. Too easy for them. I will just settle for the way when the person will want to kill himself. Anyways going too far here.
So I guess I should go for the easy way out. Saves heartache, headache, madness, money, time.
But what on earth do you do with the memoriess?