Lost

I had been to a friends' recently. She has a little brother of 4th std. I guess. While I was talking to her the kid left. Their father asked," where are you up to. Don't go outside in this heat. " The kid didn't say where he is going just that its really urgent. Then he just made his father realize he is heading to the bathroom.

After he was gone, the father smiled at me and said the kid feels too shy in my presence. I said I didn't mind. So he continued that its really embarassing the way he acts. I replied that its really good for the kid that he shows such respect towards a girl , an act that's rapidly fading. The man smirked but didn't respond.

As I walked back home I pondered over the incident. It was hardly remarkable yet I couldn't stop thinking about it. That kid had a remarkable trait of being a gentleman.
Ofcourse many people may say he was simply shy in front of me. Even then.. it reminded me of the fast corroding gentlemanship of male population.

There was a day.. infact I don't remember ever it being a time, more appropriately I read about this rare creature in stories. These higher version of creatures who respect women, no matter their nature behave gently with the fair species. Those creatures who never raised their hand at women nor used unsavory language in front of them. Compare them to the real world. The world where there is even a shortage of real men.

So what do we have now? Packs of wolves who transit to their true form as soon as a girl walks past. Those creatures namely gentlemen are a far cry to these rowdy animals who treat women like dirt. Every single day I read in the news of females ranging from infants to old ladies assaulted brutally. No girl can ever trust her friends, relatives or own family. There is always this distrust which once materialised leaves her scarred for life.

So I pondered. I pondered over the extinct species of those creatures who once made women feel valued and safe. And then I pondered over how long the kid is going to last. Because this trait isn't something appreciated among boys. They never can approve someone being in a higher level than dirt. They must pull everyone down because that's where they feel comfortable.

I pondered over the situations the kid will go through. He will grow up. His friends will be standing on roads behaving obscenely to any girl that pass by. He will protest. His friend will laugh at him. They will taunt him of being a coward . He will be silent. He mayn't dare defend any girls. For fear of being a loner or outcast he will learn to do what his friends do.
And the last vestiges of gentlemanship will be gone.

First rain

The parched wind swirls within self
Seeking to quench its thirst
Then it senses an ambrosia
As the ground is hit from above
The wind senses the trapped souls escaping their captivity
The wind picks on the easy preys
It rushes toward for the prize
But its ordeal isn't over yet
So it swirls still, amuses itself
As it hears the tall tale sound of the ground losing itself

Delirium

More than once they warned me from frolicking with you. I cared not as the sun shone upon you and as you sparkled like fresh drop of rain. I had only eyes for you,never once glancing at my feet.
I never knew when the sun went down and a day ended. I waited so eagerly as any for the next dawn. It came. But it didn't bring you.
I was confounded. I searched for you. I had rather become obsessed with you. They told me you weren't there because you weren't a child of the sun. I didn't understand for I clearly remembered sun shining on your face as you smiled at me.
Then I looked down at my hands. They were covered with blood..

Facet

The face that hid its mask
Changing each day for you
Oiled and well painted
The face that changes as you do
No trust on the painting that so often adorns your wall
The face that preys on all
The face that consumes you
You don't know where it goes
You don't know where it ends
Swirling all your thoughts
Its a prisoner of your face

Mindless

I am so confused. Don't know which way to turn. Am I supposed to be instinctual or being older and mature? But the thing being is that I don't like being mature, not that I have anything against people growing up all matured and experienced. Its just that being mature I feel like is the final stage for everything. People die the moment they say they have finally grown up. They stop learning. They stop looking at the world with wonder. They stop having fun. They stop everything. I am sure many people would disagree. I am just saying what I have been seeing. Anyway so not the point.
So what should I do? Its not like choosing to be instinctual or experienced. Its more of the question which one is right. Of course nothing is really right or wrong . They are just conventions of the society to put some kind of order.
But what is right for my soul? What will give my soul the right feeding? Take for example: erm.. between anger, resentment, revenge and forgiveness. Of course its very easy to say forgiveness. But why? Because the holy path says so? I am trying a different path actually. A more logical one. Why not let the soul dissipate all the energy cumulating by the suppressed feelings i.e. why not let it vent? Why must we be at the loser end and why not give the other person what they deserve?
On the other hand do you think the soul grows stronger as we forgive, be good and all ? Do you think curbing in the instincts that may be harmful is better in the end? Because, let's face it : suppose we think about causing any verbal or physical harm to the person, you may or may not be successful at your endeavour. But during that process you burn your own inside out. Unless you are very careful aand meticulated person without feelings. Then you will be successful with not back slap. But we are talking about me here and I honestly can't spend much time like that. I have much to learn!
But you know what? I do spend time thinking like that. I do wish to hurt the person. If I had few more money and a colder heart, I would sit back and take a cold, spicy revenge. I won't kill them of course. Too easy for them. I will just settle for the way when the person will want to kill himself. Anyways going too far here.
So I guess I should go for the easy way out. Saves heartache, headache, madness, money, time.
But what on earth do you do with the memoriess?

Fear not

I heard from somewhere : fear begets anger. Anger begets hate. Hate is the step towards the dark side. Where did I hear it? Ah yes, star wars.
That line stuck to my head. Do you know how there are some lines or some emotion displayed across someone's face that you remember forever instead of some more important issues? Like the time I was going in a cab, when the cabbie stopped and drove a little back to wait a few minutes for a woman walking towards us, she was quite far actually.. The passenger sitting besides me asked (rather testily) how do you know she will come? The cabby turned his head and replied " I am hundred percent sure she will ". Now I don't know why that struck me so much, but it did. So much so that I remembered his face! Anyways straying again..
That line struck me ( the star wars one ). And I found it so incredibly true! I wonder if you will too.
No one really likes fear. Fear mostly has its roots in loss of control. We fear what is not under our control. Nothing is really in our control, so of course humans are afraid of everything. Oh, and this won't apply to people who have the illusion of control. Anyways, when we start to fear, we feel angry. Not at ourselves of course! people rarely blame themselves. Or even consider it. Its always other people, circumstances,luck, situation, timing even God. I meant we can't do anything wrong! ( that was sarcasm ).
We feel anger towaard whatever object or people or situaation causing us fear. We feel angry for it existing. For making us feel this way. For making us uncomfortable.
And how far anger and hate are apart? Not much. And we know what hate can do.
Actually more than theoritically, its better when you experience it. Have you yet?

The bottom line is don't be afraid.

( this blog is by no means meant to offend any individual or community or nation. I write my personal view. I write about the world as I perceive it is. I may as well be talking about an imaginary world. So relax everybody)

Mindless

I am so confused. Don't know which way to turn. Am I supposed to be instinctual or being older and mature? But the thing being is that I don't like being mature, not that I have anything aagainst people growning up all matured and experienced. Its just that being mature I feel like is the final stage for everything. People die the moment they say they have finally grown up. They stop leaarning. They stop looking aat the world with wonder. They stop having fun. They stop everything. I am sure maany people would disagree. I am just saying what I have been saying. Anyway so not the point.
So what should I do? Its not like choosing to be instinctual or experienced. Its more of the question which one is right. Of course nothing is really right or wrong . They are just conventions of the society to put some kind of order.
But what is right for my soul? What will give my soul the right feeding? Take for example: erm.. between anger, resentment, revenge and forgiveness. Of course its very eaasy to say forgiveness. But why? Because the holy path says so? I am trying a different path actuaally. A more logical onee. Why not let the soul dissipate all the energy cumulating by the suppressed feelings i.e. why not let it vent? Why must we be at the loser end and why not give the other person what they deserve?
On the other hand do you think the soul grows stronger as we forgive, be good and all ? Do you think curbing in the instincts that may be harmful is better in the end? Because, let's face it : suppose we think about causing any verbal or physical harm to the person, you may or may not be successful at your endeavour. But during that process you burn your own inside out. Unless you are very careful aand meticulated person without feelings. Then you will be successful with not back slap. But we are talking about me here and I honestly can't spend much time like that. I have much to learn!
But you know what I do spend time thinking like that. I do wish to hurt the person. If I had few more money and aa colder heart, I would sit back and take a cold, spicy revenge. I won't kill them of course. Too easy for them. I will just settle for the way when the person will want to kill himself. Anyways going too far here.
So I guess I should go for the easy way out. Saves heartache, headache, madness, money, time.
But what on earth do you do with the memoriess?

Life

I am born. I live. I die. The intermediate period between being born and I die is composed of numerous little breaking apart and breathing in. I partake of the little pleasures that has been bestowed on me. I lament the day I came to this word. I feel immortal as I fall in love. I crawl into a corner when my heart shatters.
I laugh in merriment with my near and dears. I can't bear the sight of them. I feel I belong as I sit with my friends. I am alone. I am happy. I am hurt. I feel blessed. I am one cursed creature. Delicious food remind me the my reason of living. I don't spare a glance at choicest ambrosia.
I laugh so hard my stomach aches. I feel so much pain in my heart that I can't move. I dance so hard like there is mo tomorrow. I forget how to smile. I make people laugh. I hurt them. I want to live. I cut myself .
I look at the stars. I am afraid of the dark. I dance in the rain. Rain reminds me of every gloom and doom. I pick up a penny from the road.  I care not for money.
I love people. . They hate me.
People love me. I hurt them.
I like music. I can't stand the sound of it.
I am lost.
I am born. I am living.

Existance

A question. On my existance. I have been searching the answer on books,notes,theories,science. Every stream merges into the one ocean. That is to say all questions and theory: be it religion or science has the one age-old question why on earth do we exist? Is there a purpose? A destiny to be followed.

Many have many thoughts. And destiny is one of the preferred. Its a relief to know that we are supposed to do something and that no matter what we will get there. No pressure! Personally I hope I dont have a pre-determined destiny. I would feel nothing less than a puppet. And yet even people's subconsciousness is influenced by the hidden hand of fate. Now look at the great books : Harry Potter , Narnia, Eragon , our own epics : Mahabharat , Illiad. There is always a great prophecy and a certain person is chosen to be the saviour. Others fated to be ordinary and failures. I am not considering myself such. I just dont want to be a puppet.

What then ? Many people go about the life being totally unconcerned about anything other than simply going on with their life. An endless cycle. Oh the most suffocating circle! How I envy that simplicity! On the other hand I am happy not to lose myself . But what should become of those people who dont belong to that circle? A unquenchable thirst to know the truth. To break out of the glass cage and just know. The reaon we are here. Why are we here?

Is it the most ordinary of explanations? That we are simply part of an evolution. Then I don't think human beings deserve to be a completely superior race than animals. If this is the explanation then well I don't know about anyone but I just .. well lose any sense in living like a pig.

Or is it that we have a Grand Architect who made us? Like the religions indicate. Then I would like to find some details about the guy/gal/whatever , no offense meant. But honestly I would like to know how is That possible. The creation and stuff. Is it for amusement or entertainment or something else? I would like to know Their world.

Or is it like what was portrayed in Promethius? We were made by a different species. Then what are we supposed to do? Eat,Pray and Love?

Abudant questions. Curiosity killed the cat. I would rather be the cat than be ignorant.
Some may say my state of mind is result of teenage rebellion and I haven't reached maturity yet. Then I would say I never want to be mature if it means losing my curiosity and hunger for knowledge. I never want to lose myself amidst the terms success, money and power.
I will forever hunt for the answer. Because I want to know.